The process

I never feel like myself nor do I see anyone be who they once were to me, at least that's what I seem to see.
Distorted figures, maybe, the shortness lingers and takes over me.
Why is this sea so blue and deep?
Why does it keep drowning all of the free spirits in me?
I swim back up to the top with no air left in my lungs to breathe, my vision is blurry and I cannot seem to see clearly.
I walk around with my heart in my gut and my soul feels so stuck.
I go no where and I touch no one, I stay in this place and seal the door shut.
Everything is retraced because nothing there could ever be replaced.
It may seem like a safe place to hold my space, but it always leaves a bitter taste in the memories I chase.
I can never shake this feeling so I never feel safe, let alone save any face.
I pace myself so that I may change myself, I grace myself and reach for help.
I take a bow and show them how it's all mine now.

Static

What am I doing to make you feel in such a way that makes you feel my pain?
How can I erase this stain that stakes your being into this emotional strain that's causing your decay?
My words cut you so deep, they seep into everything in you that reverberates back to me.
Recycled toxicity, it's not healthy, it's not where I wanted this to lead.
I cut you, you cut me, I cut you, you cut me, it needs to cease.
Can we try to find some peace or will we tear each other up until we're in pieces?
Because when it comes to you there is no in between, all in or it's all thin.
Stay and see or forever hold your peace.

Again

It's that time of year when its always really weird. 

At first it doesn't phase me, but then the heaviness grazes me. 

I sink into myself and don't see anything else.  

Nothing ever really makes sense until I go into those depths.

 I take a look around and notice every memory that leads to nothing but frowns. 

It always brings me down and shows because it's not afraid of the crowd. 

None of this tries to hide nor does it try to lie, its all the brutal truth and it never seems to move. 

It has always stuck around, it is not too far from underneath my ground. 

I grab my shovel and bury it all over again. 

I then get a sense of relief and a hint of regret because I feel it happening all over again.

3:33

Lost the battle, win the war, yeah I know you've probably heard it all before.
From waking up from these dreams that leads to the feeling of constant defeat and never knowing when to stay or when to leave.
Fighting things that are far from these dreams, but just distractions from seeing the whole scene.
Will it stop?
Will it change?
Will it all go away?
Can you breathe?
Can you pray?
Can you make it another day?
"It'll get better" they say, and insist that you move along and wake up to a fresh day. 

It's a clean slate, more room for change, more room to grow, more room for you to know all that you have yet to be shown. 

Stay on your toes because you never know when it'll be your turn to glow. 

Stay sharp, stay kind, and always keep in mind that this life is a constant flow of people and feelings that come and go. Sometimes they stay to help you make it through all of the healthy change that you need to break away from all that keeps you chained.

Bound-aries

You say you're done, but are you really done?
You say you've won, but have you really won?
We tend to get lost between these lines and thoughts, but we always find our way back to the lines we have crossed.
Wandering in the ambiguity of all that has been drawn out for you to see.
Between what is said and unsaid and what is done and undone, there is always the middle grounds where the seams can be seen.
Things may seem to make some kind of sense, but there is no reason to stay upset.
Just move along and take another step and be cautious enough to not fall into another trap.

Retreat

All of these thoughts, they won't go away
All they want to do is take me away to the only place that I've ever felt safe
In the dead of the day when it all takes place and hides my face where all of my feelings have been erased
Never to see the light of day

Heroine

She's the kind of woman that touches you without touching you.
The kind of woman that sees you without eyes.
The kind of woman that senses you, that feels the real in you, the things that radiates from you, the surface doesn't fool her, she knows the depth in you.
She's the kind of woman that's unforgettable in every single way.
Leaving her marks everywhere she goes.
Leaving you wanting more and more.
Disarming with her love and grace.
Owning the bravest face of strength and wisdom.
She leaves you feeling safe in your place reminding you that she could never be replaced.

Generations Of Love

Everyone has their own life story to tell, although I've shared countless amounts of things on this blog, I try not to be too specific about situations. I do this because I try to connect and relate with this community of people that choose to read the things I write. I could be the complete opposite of whoever is reading this, not being like minded at all. But if we can relate to something and I can help humanize the situation for better understanding, then writing this will be all worth it. Just being a part of something bigger than myself is a reward to me, because we live in a world where nobody wants to listen but everyone wants to be understood. And if I could help in my own way of communication that will help you understand something unfamiliar, then I'll have felt that I've helped just that much more. I promise I have a point that I'm making, I'm really just trying to say I put a lot of heart, thought and work into all of these blogs and I only write about things that I feel most inspired by. Which brings me to the specific topic that I was not trying to be specific about.
I have always thought of family to be my number one priority in life, nothing else in this life has mattered to me as much as they do. I don't know how everyone else has grown up or who they had around them whilst growing up?? But I grew up with my immediate family. I had my mom and sometimes had my dad, but I had two of the greatest uncles to help my mom raise me when my dad couldn't. My grandma was there for me, one of my tia's became a second mom to me because I was always with her and my cousin's every chance I got. And well, two of my cousins turned into siblings, as much as I was around them. I have all of these great memories that I've made with them all. We are a very close knitted family and I'll love them until the very last breath that I take.
I have been in reflection of this for a while and have come to realize how blessed I have always been. They always took care of my sisters and I as their own. I look at how much my uncles and tias have showed me love in all stages of my life and I see a trend. One that I have learned to follow. I see my sister and I showing this same kind of love to our nieces and nephews. I never understood fully why they loved me as much as they did. And as I turned into a tia, I slowly began to understand their love for me as I have loved my nieces and nephews. They're little versions of your siblings that you can't help but love.
I don't know if all families are this way, but at one point of my life someone had mistaken my niece as if she were my own daughter. It was funny to me at the time but in retrospect, it made me see just how close I was to my niece. I mean, I would do anything for my sister's kids, they're my world and they make life so beautiful and precious. And as I said, loving them has made me understand even more of the love that my tias and tios have for me. It was great, how much they had taught me unconditional love because I was able to transfer such love to my nieces and nephews.
The extent of this love that was shown to me has given me some of the best relationships. The way that I love my crazy family is to the point of disgustion and in return they show me the same kind of disgusting love. The bonds that I have with them could never be broken. I have gone through all kinds of hells with them to let anything ever break that kind of bond that I have with them all. I know there are folks that don't understand this kind of love. That this love is so foreign and rare to people these days. And the one thing I can tell you is that this kind of love doesn't just happen over night. Both parties have to want this and work equally at this kind of bond. Sometimes it's hard, but nothing in this life that's worth having ever comes easy. Having this connection is like nothing else that I've ever had in this life. It's something that I hold dearest to my heart. It's something that is stained on my brain, never to be washed away. I could never unlearn this type of love nor would I ever want to.
I feel really blessed to have been taught such love because I know that not everone has this. I hope that ultimately, my nieces and nephews learn the same thing from me because as Florence Welch once said at a concert that I went to, "spread the love, because the world needs more love!!"

Perspective

So I don't normally do this, I usually just post up these life stories and poems of mine and let you guys have at it. But I felt compelled to speak on this poem. It was inspired by an individual that I bonded with during my recent stay at the hospital. She said some really encouraging things to me about my situation which inspired me to write this poem. I rarely meet individuals such as this one and that's what's so awesome about this poem!! Although it wasn't in the best of situations, had we not crossed paths this poem wouldn't exist.

New scenes bring new things
They could make you scream
They could make you dream
They could make you see everything 
That used to be unseen
No point in looking back
Once you've had enough of that
Time to make more room
For everything that's brand new
It's okay to store everything
That has happened before
As long as you have space 
For your new founded place
So no need to save face when
You have learned to have so much grace
Everything willcome and stay together like glue, when you finally find out that you will always have you