Permission

 Holding back, I feel, is pretty universal these days. It's as if we are all too worried about how wrong we will be perceived, therefore, we all put up this front of how we think people should envision us. And there we are, hiding our true selves in the shadow behind the faces of who we’re not.

 I see this happen pretty damn often and it's definitely more obvious to me with the people in my life that I know more than most. I'm not trying to put them on blast, but I see the difference between how they act with me versus how they act with other folks. And I won't say that I'm innocent to doing this because I am also guilty of getting caught up in this phenomenon. And I'm not quite sure why it is that we do this? Why do we feel unsafe to truly be ourselves in every sense? Just drop the chameleonage (not a word but I made it one), and just be the core of who we are, all convictions and no restrictions.

 I guess it's really easy to fall into the cracks of not giving ourselves permission to truly be ourselves. I feel like a big chunk of the reason a lot of us can react or respond this way is due to the age we live in. Yes, the age of social media!! Social media can be damningly influential in our everyday lives, and it goes both ways, negative and positive alike. Everyday, (for most folks) we get up and one of the first things we do is check our phones, get on social media, and then the unending scrolling begins!! And what is it that we see?? We see projections of other people and  what I can only assume are little snippets of what they think we would like to see. It's more of a highlights reel of people's daily lives, the “good parts”, if you will. We hardly ever get the full story unless we see these people all of the time. And due to all of these projections of the society that we live in, we can all get caught up in the “perfectionist” game.

 We all get wrapped up in what society tells us how everything is supposed to look like, which is a lie that we all seem to condone, and ultimately it sets us up for failure. With all of these high expectations of how we all think things are supposed to look like, it can leave us all in a place of thinking that we are all wrong because we're not doing this and we're not doing that. Essentially, we discount all of the things that we are and all of the things that we do. And it really baffles me, all of it, because we are the society that I speak of and we can change all of that. We really are all one and can work on this together to change this false sense of perfection that we think we need to be so that we can fully give, ourselves and in turn each other, permission to be our authentic selves. There is beauty in how we are all different because we add different flavors to the recipe of life. And if we are all the same kind of “perfection” that we think everyone should be, than this life would be so plain and dull.

 As a collective, I feel like we should all give ourselves the permission to truly be ourselves no matter what that looks like. Being different and set apart from each other shouldn't be threatening or even feared, it should be embraced!! Even though it may feel uncomfortable at times, it is far better than masking or watering yourself down from who you really are and fading yourself into everyone else. After all, isn't that what we all seek, honesty from one another?? To need permission from those around you to be yourself seems so absurd, and if that is your reality, then maybe you're in the wrong place. If the people around you don't appreciate you for who you truly are than don’t grace them with your presence. When you give yourself the permission to be yourself around the right people, they help grow you, and in turn, you help grow them. Moving into a space of transparency can be scary. But what is it about that transparency that scares us?? Is it the fear of judgements from others, or is it the fear of our own judgements that we project onto one another?? When was the last time you gave yourself full permission to be yourself, your true self, unashamed and unapologetically?

Kaleidoscoping

  When looking through a kaleidoscope it can be aesthetically pleasing to one's eyes. Viewing two or more reflecting surfaces tilted to each other at an angle so that the object/s on one end of the mirrors are seen in a symmetrical pattern when you are looking at it on the other end due to the perpetual reflection. The images you see and all of the different colors combined can be distinctly beautiful.
 
But what happens when you look through your own life's kaleidoscope?? Is it aesthetically pleasing to your soul's eyes, or are the images you view far more twisted for you to even recognize anything worthwhile?? I ask these questions, not to get a consensus or anything of the sort, but I ask these questions to raise awareness of what we all see and what we subject ourselves to in our everyday lives.

  Just before the end of 2017 hit, something in me was awakened. This realization came to me in the midst of the stormiest time of the year for me. Fall is a very weird, dark, and twisty time that always seems to turn everything upside down and inside out, but this year around , all of this chaos was a blessing in disguise. Even though things were stormy, I was able to see a pattern in certain things that triggered me to stay in this state of mind. It was really strange  because I felt like if I hadn't gone through these painful situations, I would still be in the blind to what wasn't helping me or what wasn't serving me well. I mean, the year before I ran to these situations and people because I found comfort in all of this chaos, I know how it sounds, but that's just how distorted my vision was. I was a different person, in the year that had passed, I grew into someone different, I had outgrown the mindset I was stuck in.  Being in this new mindset not only allowed me to see how toxic some people were in my life, but I was even able to spot this toxicity in my social media, in the conversations I had and a plethora of other things I engaged in. This cocktail of people, situations, and things were all just reoccurring cycles of toxicity that were feeding the storm that I was in. I was blindly giving all of this negative energy the power to destroy me and to turn me into someone that I'm not.

  And it was then, in the thick of this internal dark and twisted storm, I  decided that my life not only needed a positive change, but deserved a positive change in order to cultivate a peaceful place within myself, where I could live in and not just survive. I made a list of things that I was going to stop engaging in,  (making an actual list on paper helps me to reinforce these changes that I wanted to make, because when you just make a verbal agreement with yourself it can be easily overlooked and ignored. Having a visual just makes it all the more real is all I'm saying.) be it chiming in on conversations that are just of surface level negativity, talking to people who thrived on negativity, taking off people and pages that I followed on my social media because they were stunting my own personal growth, I'm a little ashamed of how long this list was because I didn't realize how much I had given in to this behavior. I mean, all of these things were feeding this monster of a storm within me and not healing the parts of my soul that needed peace. These things, people, and situations that I always found myself in we're all distorting my life's kaleidoscope and blinding me from seeing all of the beauty that surrounded me.

  It can be relatively easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of negativity these days, you could literally be one swipe away on your phone from it, and it can be a vicious cycle if you choose to put your energy into it. Which brings me to the question I raised earlier,  are the images you see through your life's kaleidoscope aesthetically pleasing to your soul?? We all have a choice on how we view the events that occur in our lives, it is up to us on how we choose to spin things, either for us, or against us. It all starts with us and making changes in all areas of our lives that need positive tuning. You can make these changes in baby steps if needed, whatever works best for you because we all develop at different paces, so long as you are consistent with these changes. But just keep in mind that all of this stuff takes time, so being graceful with yourself is a must!! I'm not implying that things will always go perfectly either because life happens to everyone all of the time, but when you are going through those trying times you will already have tools to help you process, cope, and be more at peace and feel more grounded with the place you have cultivated within yourself that isn't as rigid as it once was.

  You can either fall victim to the negativity that exists or be a creator of inner peace, which kaleidoscope will you choose to look through??

Suddenly Emerging With Grace

  Looking back is something that I do quite frequently, I don't sit and dwell on the past, it's more of a self reflective thing. I do this when I find myself in situations that didn't turn out so well, where it either ended in hurt words or hurt feelings, and this is not limited to my feelings but also the other people that are a part of the situation. And I feel like it being the beginning of the year, there's this universal feeling that everyone shares. You know the one, where everyone sits and reflects upon all that has happened in the year that has just passed. And if you're on any or all of the different types of social media there is, than you are sure to receive that notification "year end review," that shows you literally all of the things it deems as important that you've posted on that social media. Aside from literally seeing all of that, we go to our own metaphorical table of life and lay everything down as good or bad and everything else in between. And once we are done labeling everything, we then take everything apart so that we may break it all down to, "I did this and it turned out great so I need to do things this way more," or "this went terribly wrong so I'm not gonna do that, that way anymore." We try to simplify our lives in those situations saying what we will and won't do the next time this happens. And yeah, sure we may run into the same problems again in the future and we may even feel that we are stuck because we find ourselves in the same situations. And if you just so happen to find yourself waiting for the new year to reflect upon everything and make changes than that's probably a main point of where this stagnation that you're feeling may lie.
  I'm not sure if it's a part of our culture or society in which either one or both of them tell us, "okay, the new year is approaching so you need to make a list of all of the stuff you need to have together in your life because everyone else is doing the same thing and we all need to have our shit together at the same time." Totally disregarding that we all have our own pace in which we achieve certain goals that we set for ourselves, but because of this unwritten rule in which we all seem to follow suit in, there we go, grasping for things because everyone else is doing it. Which leads me to believe that this is a major set up for failure and that is why a lot of new year's resolutions aren't kept. These promises are only made at the beginning of the year because everyone else is doing it. And once the first few months of the year have passed, all of these promises you've made to yourself are thrown out the window and you're back at square one. Then, you start hearing those familiar conversations coming out of everyone's mouths, "oh yeah, I stopped trying because (insert excuse here), I'll do better and try again next year." We just assume that we have another year to start over and do things right the next year. I feel like a lot of us get stuck in this cycle of thinking and when things don't go as we plan them to we completely abandon ship and don't look back until the next year. We all get caught up in this cycle in one form or another, I'm guilty of doing this too. But I think it's time that we all break this continuous cycle of failed and unkept promises to ourselves. I want to be a reminder, to anyone reading this, to give yourself some grace. Life hardly ever goes as we plan it to, I mean, what would life be if it did go exactly as we planned it to?? We all must keep trying and keep striving to do our best, quitting isn't going to get any of us anywhere. Things will not get any easier if all we do is quit at the first sign of trpuble. And so when you allow yourself grace, you allow your narritives to change as well. Now I'm not saying that whatever situation that didn't work out isn't going to hurt. I'm saying that you will be able to see the situation for whatever it is, identify what went wrong and take this new founded knowledge with you so that the next time that you run into a similar situation, you are able to do things differently and not just give up or give in the same way that you did the last time around. Allowing this introspection will give you more acceptance of your faults and less contempt with feeling stuck in whatever situation is at hand.
  Remember, we can change our narritives at anytime or occasion we see fit. When we learn to implement this new way of thinking, we allow healthy growth into our lives, evolving us into better versions of ourselves throughout the year and not just the beginning of it!!!

The process

I never feel like myself nor do I see anyone be who they once were to me, at least that's what I seem to see.
Distorted figures, maybe, the shortness lingers and takes over me.
Why is this sea so blue and deep?
Why does it keep drowning all of the free spirits in me?
I swim back up to the top with no air left in my lungs to breathe, my vision is blurry and I cannot seem to see clearly.
I walk around with my heart in my gut and my soul feels so stuck.
I go no where and I touch no one, I stay in this place and seal the door shut.
Everything is retraced because nothing there could ever be replaced.
It may seem like a safe place to hold my space, but it always leaves a bitter taste in the memories I chase.
I can never shake this feeling so I never feel safe, let alone save any face.
I pace myself so that I may change myself, I grace myself and reach for help.
I take a bow and show them how it's all mine now.

Static

What am I doing to make you feel in such a way that makes you feel my pain?
How can I erase this stain that stakes your being into this emotional strain that's causing your decay?
My words cut you so deep, they seep into everything in you that reverberates back to me.
Recycled toxicity, it's not healthy, it's not where I wanted this to lead.
I cut you, you cut me, I cut you, you cut me, it needs to cease.
Can we try to find some peace or will we tear each other up until we're in pieces?
Because when it comes to you there is no in between, all in or it's all thin.
Stay and see or forever hold your peace.

Again

It's that time of year when its always really weird. 

At first it doesn't phase me, but then the heaviness grazes me. 

I sink into myself and don't see anything else.  

Nothing ever really makes sense until I go into those depths.

 I take a look around and notice every memory that leads to nothing but frowns. 

It always brings me down and shows because it's not afraid of the crowd. 

None of this tries to hide nor does it try to lie, its all the brutal truth and it never seems to move. 

It has always stuck around, it is not too far from underneath my ground. 

I grab my shovel and bury it all over again. 

I then get a sense of relief and a hint of regret because I feel it happening all over again.

3:33

Lost the battle, win the war, yeah I know you've probably heard it all before.
From waking up from these dreams that leads to the feeling of constant defeat and never knowing when to stay or when to leave.
Fighting things that are far from these dreams, but just distractions from seeing the whole scene.
Will it stop?
Will it change?
Will it all go away?
Can you breathe?
Can you pray?
Can you make it another day?
"It'll get better" they say, and insist that you move along and wake up to a fresh day. 

It's a clean slate, more room for change, more room to grow, more room for you to know all that you have yet to be shown. 

Stay on your toes because you never know when it'll be your turn to glow. 

Stay sharp, stay kind, and always keep in mind that this life is a constant flow of people and feelings that come and go. Sometimes they stay to help you make it through all of the healthy change that you need to break away from all that keeps you chained.