To my Jen

Bright light bright light that won't go away, you shine down on me like the sun does during the day. Even when the daylight turns away, still you are never far away, being the moonlight that lights my skyline at night and still makes it seem like day. Like the countless number of stars in the night time sky, is like your love that has showered me so infinitely. I could never compare nor contrast any kind of love I've felt to you. Because it is simply like nothing else this heart of mine has had in return. You're like the star on top of my Christmas tree, filling the room up with your light and joy. You're like the season of spring, because even when it rains, there you are, in my time of need,  helping me to grow despite any negativity. All of these things you are to me and more. Definition could never define who you are and what you mean to me. And I could never fully explain nor express the love I have for you to the fullest that extent could ever go. So here's to you, my loving hearted soul, this is for you to always know that I'll never ever go!!!
           Love, your big little sister, Alie Boo

Affect- Atomic Bomb, Effect- Mushroom Cloud

  So I don't quite know what specifically inspired me to write this entry. But I guess I could start off by saying that a lot of different life's catastrophe's have been happening around me. I know this sounds super melodramatic, but I promise you that these conundrums run deep and feel as painful as I am trying to portray to you. Let me begin to explain.
  I randomly was thinking of how critical an atomic bomb is, how it holds so much power within itself and how big of a devastation it can cause to any and every thing in its path. So I started to think about all of these different things I have heard of like it was the end of my world or everyone else's. I then thought of the aftermath of the atomic bomb, the mushroom cloud that remains to show the damage that has been done.


 


  So what's your atomic bomb people? Have you lost someone dear to you, maybe someone you once took for granted? Did you not realize what you took for granted and saw how it wouldn't always be there?? How did you react and how did it effect you? Did it make or break you? All questions I think of when I hear of something terrible happening.
  Everybody's story is different, this I know of. Whatever your personal tragedy is, how does it effect you? And when all is said and done, what does your mushroom cloud look like?

Where would you be without me?

  Driving to my cousin's house one night, I had a very deep conversation with one of my sisters. We tend to always do that with each other every time we hangout and start chatting. I guess its a habit of ours. Anyways we were discussing certain things that were on our minds as to help lift all of the weight and heaviness we were feeling at the time. We both share the same worries about our family so we were both trying to uplift each other's spirits and help each other see that there were brighter days ahead of us. So then my mind starts to wonder off into its abyss of its infinite thoughts and it triggers a realization  in me, along with the conversation I just had with my sister of course. So I begin to unfold to my sister the big picture that was blooming in my head. I said to her, " You know, its crazy how certain people are put in your life permanently like a tattoo." She nodded her head in agreement. I then continued my unfinished thought and started to elaborate more on what I was feeling and started telling her of the one person I thought of, who went through the same thing we were currently going through, to a significant extent. My best friend.
  She had recently lost her mother due to her many health complications. In particular, she was a dialysis patient, which kind of threaded our circumstances together because my mother is a dialysis patient as well. Her mother and my mother started going to dialysis around the same time, so we always understood each other's daily lives, as far as our mother's constant struggles with being a dialysis patient. I can't really explain to anyone how hard it is for someone who is a dialysis patient, it's really something you have to see for yourself. But even then, you truly don't know how it feels to be in that position unless you have kidney failure. All I know is that I had my best friend there to share all of these struggles that I am currently facing everyday with my mom. What I mean by that are things like pushing my mother to always go and get dialyzed the three days she is supposed to go during the week. Its really imperative that she makes these dates, because if she doesn't she can cause her body to overwork itself and can cause significant damage to her functioning organs. And I swear I hate it when my mother skips her dialysis days because of how sick she gets. I go nuts when  I hear my mom in the restroom all sick and see her sleeping all day because she is tired from being so sick. It really scares me too because I'm afraid of losing her to this, as my best friend lost her mother to the same thing.
  Take for instance, around the time my best friend lost her mom, my mom was also in the hospital because she was so sick from not going to dialysis. for almost five days. Which is far too long for a dialysis patient to go without being dialyzed. I remember my mom being so sick, not being able to hold any food down  in her stomach and coughing up thick flem. She had bronchitis which was triggered from not being dialyzed for as long as she had went without it. The scary thing about that was that she was taking, for what seemed like a long time, to get better. All I could think of was what my best friend had just gone through with her mom and it just shook me to my core. But there my best friend was explaining what my mom was going through and reassuring me that my mom was going to get better, when she had just lost her mother. Which amazed me, that she had so much strength within herself to be strong for me when she had just gone through such a tragedy of her own.
  Ironically though, I had been there comforting her and being her rock through losing her mother because of the experience I had when I lost my dad. It seemed as if we had both understood each other on such a level and height of which we had never reached before. It was amazing to me how our actions were so ambiguous before, now all just became clear as day. She finally understood what I had went through when I lost my dad as well as why I did things or grieved the way that I did. In return, I understood how scared she always was when her mother got so sick from the health complications due to her dysfunctional kidneys. It was just all so surreal to me which brings me back to the beginning of the story.
  I was telling my sister that I was amazed, that I would have never known that someone I met back in high school could be so significant to me. That someone could be so close to me throughout all of these years and go through a lot of the same things I have gone through, it was all just blowing my mind. I then set the bomb off on her, that was going off in my head, and asked her, "If I didn't go to the same high school as my best friend, who would have been there for me? Who would have been there for her? And most importantly who would we be? Where would we be?" We both kind of sat there in silence, soaking in every word and thought that I had just shared. I could just tell how affective my words were to her without her even saying anything at all. I then told her that I didn't want to think about who I would have been or even where I would be without my best friend. She then agreed with me and told me, " I don't know who or where I would be without you." which really hit my heart hard and brings me to her significance in my life.
  I don't have the best relationship with both of my sisters, but even the sister I'm not as close to allows me to appreciate the close and unfathomable relationship I have with my other sister. So I know I beat this story to death, but when I lost my dad to cancer it brought me closer to one of my sisters and pushed me away from the other one, it seems. Before all of that madness occurred I had always been closer to my second oldest sister. I just figured it was because we were closer in age, but growing into an adolescent teenager, I was always rolling around with her. She was always there lifting me up when  my cards were down. And I was always there for her being her "little big sister" as she likes to call me, because of all of the old wisdom I'm always putting in her life. Well, when we both lost our dad, we began to see who was really there for us and who wasn't. In came such a love that I couldn't even wrap my arms around to hug because of how humongous it was and is. I have always loved my sisters so dearly like no one's business, but when this tragedy struck our lives, it became a love that goes way past any words I could ever explain nor express.
  We constantly are there for each other, always running to each other when  something isn't right in our lives. On days that our hearts feel heavy from feeling the void in our hearts from losing our dad, there we are, there for each other. Sometimes its in person with a hug to take away the deep hurt we're feeling and other times it could be a text message wishing each other a great day. Which are the best to me because we still surprise each other and inadvertently make each other feel a thousand times better because the receiving end of the message was having a bad day and the sender had no clue they were having a bad day. I guess its a sister sensor we were born with, ha ha. Its just really insane to me how we can both come to each other with our own craziness, hear each other out and just be supportive and loving towards each other. I just know with such certainty that this relationship has made me, that this sister of mine has kept me swimming against the currents that life has me swimming against. We put tons and tons of hope in each others lives and when we need a reminder of why we're here or of how strong we can be, there we are. Just there for each other, being the rocks of each others lives. This all brings me back to what she said to me earlier, "I don't know who or where I would be without you?" I can honestly say the same thing about her. I don't know who or where I would be without her in my life.
  Last but not least, there is one more person who has had such a significant place in my life, is another best friend of mine. I met her in  high school as well. We were always really good friends back in  those days but just became distant after high school. Well we began to start talking more when we were both in the same boats of situations. We had both just gotten out of really bad relationships. At the time I was in the beginning of just losing my dad and the relationship I was in caused more pain than it ever did help me. So there this best friend of mine was, helping me piece my heart together again. I did the same thing for her. We both were always there for each other, making each other laugh through the horrible pains we were feeling broken from. We got so close and always did things together, whether it was big or small, we were together.  Going to the movies, out to eat, to concerts or even out of town. We did everything. She helped me see everything I was blind to and I did the same thing for her. We showed each other the way. We were always laughing at the most random things and of how anti-social and awkward we were. It was such a great reunited friendship to come out of such disastrous break-ups. This all occurred about two and a half years ago, when we both needed this friendship of ours to put ourselves back together again. But just recently I had a little fall out with this friend.
  I won't go into too many details, but to say the least, I kind of blew up on her over something that I should of spoken my mind about instead of keeping it in and letting it become such an explosion. Well we had stopped talking for about a month and it totally killed me. I had put my own foot in my mouth and because a lack of clear communication on both ends, there we were, not speaking. So when I absolutely couldn't take it anymore, I texted her a song from a band that we both loved. We had gone to a ten year anniversary concert of theirs together in the summer of 2013. Well that's where I kind of broke the wall of ice I had put up in between us and we began talking again. Of course we both apologized for the way things happened and said that we would be better at communicating the next time around. But I couldn't help but think of how everything felt so upside down in my life, without having her there for me the way she always has been. I know it was just a month but it felt like forever to me and not being able to just come to her with whatever was on my heart killed me. I seriously felt the big hole in my heart, that she filled with her love, when we weren't speaking. I don't think either of us realized just how significant we were to each other, had it not been for this fall out. Everything is back to normal now, and our friendship is even better now if you ask me. I guess all friendships go through rough patches to see if you will both make it in the end. So here I come again, to this question. Where and who would I be without her? And who and where would she be without me??
  All three of these people represent different parts of my life, all significant and special in their own way. I can't help but think that these three people have a big part of my identity. As different as these relationships are, they have been threaded together to make me, me.  So again, who and where would I be without these three??

Rusted Wheel

  When do you know when enough is enough? When you've gone way past your luck and you can't get unstuck. Do you still try to move forward with such an incompliant pull, only dragging out the inevitability of the final break? And what is it that you hold onto for dear life? Because once that wheel has rusted there is no turning back. For it lacks luster and can no longer be repaired. So will you save yourself from the fall that will eventually happen? Or will you ride that rusted wheel out and deal with the aftermath that becomes you? The you that ends up on the floor, picking up all of the million tiny pieces that are left and trying to piece yourself back together. But knowing that you will never be the same again, will you save face or will you ride that rusted wheel out?

#Stranger

Your sweetness has turned sour and its just really bleak to see this new person you are now, get rid of the person I once knew....

Living, breathing, grieving, not believing and deceiving

  Okay so I realize that I somehow always incorporate my dad into these blog entries almost any and every time. But I mean in retrospect, he was a huge part of my life no matter which way I look at it. With that being said, my goal right now is to unveil the reality of the life that one has when losing a loved one. For those of you that have yet to experience this, brace yourself. But for those of you that have, then this of course is nothing new for you, so if you will just feel me as I am sure that you can relate.
  Well, this journey started for me back in fall of 2011, which was my second semester of college. I was taking two classes, a development math class and a world religion class. Ironically, my world religion professor was also dealing with losing his father as well. He was an older man, probably in his 60's, but I noticed that he was missing a lot of classes. Not only that, but I could tell that his demeanor of teaching began to lose its effectiveness and became quite dull. I guess you could tell he was going through the motions and was just trying to keep it together. Well I couldn't relate to him at the time, because I didn't lose my dad until almost the end of the semester. But when I did I remember just feeling so despondent with everything and everyone in my life.
  I guess you can say that I was the only one stuck on pause meanwhile everyone else was on fast forward. My student life wasn't so great because I missed a lot of school, for the simple fact that I was in the hospital for the majority of October visiting my dad. Hell, my family and I practically lived in there with him as much as we were there. Well I attempted to go to school thinking I would be able to catch up with all of my school work. But the odds were against me, at least with my math class. Its never been my subject and when I returned to class I couldn't comprehend anything my teacher was saying. However my world religion class was a different story. Which brings me to this one day when I just felt so broken. I remember coming from my math class and going to subway in the cafeteria to grab a bite to eat before my world religion class began. I had a whole hour to spare so I just took my time. But being in the state that I was in, I barely noticed anything that surrounded me. Well when I was leaving subway, I noticed a Christmas tree that the school had in the lobby. It was beautifully decorated and at the same time that one song from Mariah Carey came on, "All I want for Christmas." Well not too long after that I began to sob uncontrollably. I automatically had a flashback of my dad telling my niece, "Its gonna be a great Christmas this year!!" I could just picture his big smile as he said this and it just broke my heart. I then made a trip to the 7-11 to get a pack of cigarettes before I made my way to the other building where my class was. I still had a good amount of time to spare, so there I was on the sidewalk, smoking cigarette after cigarette, I saw my professor pass me up as he waved hi to me. I thought he went inside, but he turned right back around and came to me. I didn't know why though, maybe he saw all of the broken pieces of my heart on the floor around me or the dried up tears on my cheek. For whatever reason it was, he looked at me and said, "how are you doing? I know that's not really a smart question to ask, but how are you holding up?"  I then put my cigarette out and struggled to get the words out of my mouth without sobbing. But I just replied to him in a sarcastic manor and said, "well I'm here, aren't I?" He shook his head at me and said, "I can't imagine losing my father at such a young age as you. My father was already over 80 and it was his time to go. And I was very accepting to that. But your father was so young and his life just ended so abruptly. Well in any case I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you, that you're still in school attempting to finish up what you started. Just keep at it." I just kept shaking my head in agreement, because on the inside all I wanted to do was cry even more. Although this was his attempt to make me feel better, somehow, it only made me feel worse. He then gave me a hug and said that he would see me in class. But when he left I began to feel quite astonished by him. Because the whole time I was standing there, not a soul bothered to ask me what was wrong. It was like I was invisible to the world except him. He had a great character to just come up to me and try to make me feel better. Well as you can imagine, I went into class with fresh red, swollen and glassy eyes from having another sob fest  before class started.
  I swear days like that obliterated any hope that I had of ever feeling better. It just kind of hit me hard when the hard was hitting. But not all of the days were as rough. Of course there were days when I would laugh with my sisters, mom, nieces and nephew. However, when I had those rough days, I always went to the same two people for words of encouragement, wisdom, shelter and of course some uplifting. They were both my mentors and they both had experience of losing their fathers as well. One was a former counselor of mine and the other was a former English teacher I once had. Both went beyond their duties of teaching and counseling me because I had no longer went to their school. I grew close to them because they felt my pain in a way that nobody else did, well outside of my immediate family for that matter. Well I always went to my counselor mentor because she felt like my mother away from home. Like I swear I was her adopted kid because we would both cry about the loss of our fathers. But it wasn't a bad cry, although I always provoked it from coming to her in the hopes of having the weight lifted off of me, it was sort of a therapeutic thing. She would always send me off with a spring in my step and a pocket full of dreams. My teacher mentor also did her part of counseling me and giving me advice on what to do to deal with things that were so raw in my life. She was always there to listen to all of the crazy things that were going on in my life, when I had no one else I trusted to hear me out. She also fostered my writing, always encouraging me to keep writing and never doubting that I would succeed greatly in class. Because she knew the great tenacity I had within myself. I guess they were both pushing me to do my best in their own ways. They both helped me move along as far as keeping my mind focused on school and off of feeling so defeated in my life about my dad.
  So then this brings me to the third semester in college when I ran into someone else who had the same problem as I did. It came as a surprise to me because I really would have never known if I didn't decided to write this paper on this one subject. I wrote about the best day and the worst day in my life for my developmental writing class. Well my teacher had called me up to her desk and was wondering why I had put poor effort into this paper. Now at the time I was still pretty sensitive to talk about my dad without sobbing because of how fresh this life wound was. Well I wrote about the day I graduated and got my diploma as the best day of my life. For the worst day of my life I wrote about losing my dad. Which I went over lightly but it kind of just seemed like word vomit to her. Like I just threw my thoughts on a piece of paper and called it a day. So I started to go into depth with her about what I really wanted to say about my dad. She then began to tell me that she lost her father 15 years ago. She said that she also lost her father to colon cancer and that all of the things I was going through, she had already went through. But not long after that she stopped the conversation and said that she needed to walk around. She said that the feeling of not having her father was still so unsettling to her. As she walked out of the classroom I began to worry. Is this gonna be me? 15 years later and she still felt the same as when she first lost her dad. Seeing my teacher hurt like that really opened my eyes to the reality of what I had ahead of me.
  After class that day, I felt the need to go and visit the Greyhound station that was literally a block down from school. Growing up, my mother, sisters and I would always be at the Greyhound station, either going to Houston, picking my dad up or dropping him off there. I don't really know why he wasn't with us in Dallas, but nonetheless, we were there frequently. I guess, in a sense, I was just trying to find my dad, like his spirit. Call me crazy, but I found comfort in being there. I wouldn't even do anything there but maybe catch a bite to eat and act like I was waiting on my bus. At one point one of the security guards began to recognize my face because of how often I would go there. He always asked me why I went there because he noticed that I never got on any of the buses. But I never told him, I already felt really self conscious about being there.  I would just be there collecting myself, wondering. Where are you? Are you here waiting to be picked up or waiting to go to Houston? Are you already in Houston with all of your brothers and sisters? Are you at the lake fishing? Are you painting houses? Are you at work being a boss man and making sure everyone does their job right? Where are you and why aren't you here with your family??!! These were some of things I wouldn't think about during the day because of how busy I kept myself with school and things at home. If I thought about these things during the day, I wouldn't get anything done. I guess I kind of tricked my mind into thinking that he was somewhere else in the world and not just flat out existential. But I guess that was just my way of dealing with the permanent absence of my dad.
  Well as you can imagine I wasn't the only one dealing with my dad's death. I cant really say that I'm the one that feel the worst about it because that's unfair. My mother, sisters, nieces and nephew all have their own way of dealing with it and feeling the way they feel about this. But I can tell you that it always kills a part of me when I see or hear my mother mourn. Because there is not a thing that I can say or do to help fill the void she feels from my dad not being here. I don't even know what to tell her when this occurs. At times it makes me feel heartless because I don't know what to say. That was her high school sweetheart, they have been married for like 30 years. What can you say to make that hurt feel any better? All I do is just go up to her, hug her for as long as she holds onto me, tell her how much I love her and how much I miss him too.
  Then there are my sisters that come to me when they feel the empty void as well. They come to me with the same kind of hurt in their hearts. At times crying, but they never cry alone, because I'm right next to them crying and laughing at the same time. Because when you're an emotional wreck, laughter is the only thing that can help save you from hurting so much. I swear its like a domino effect because when one of us feels it, we all feel it.
  There's also the kids that I worry about. My niece is about 4 years old but she also feels the void as little as she is. She remembers all of  the weird names he used to call her and she'll cry for him saying, "I miss my papa." She says the same thing about her dad too. He passed away back in March of 2010. But it just breaks my heart when she cries for them, like she's little enough to know she misses them. But I really worry about when she gets older and understands the concept fully. I mean I can kind of feel Madison's pain when she cries for her dad, because I used to cry for my dad when he wasn't there with us. Of course I knew he was somewhere else, not fully gone like her dad. I just feel so bad for her, I hug her as tight as I can and tell her that I love her hundreds and hundreds of times. Then there's my other niece that's closer to me in age, that is more of like a little sister to me. But I'm always there listening to her through the good and the bad days. I'll cry and laugh with her as well, because we have a lot of the same memories of my dad. Last but not least there's my nephew, who was like my dad's son you could say. Because everywhere my dad went, my nephew was right there next to him, following him and helping him with everything. My nephew is always imitating the things my dad would do and say. He also has his moments when he remembers all of the places my dad used to take him and will get upset and cry. He's the man of the family so we all try our best to make him feel so loved and special.
  You know, I guess you could say that my family and I are like a quilt. Because when one of us starts to tear apart, we are all there ready to stitch each other back together again.
  This is all just a peak of what goes on in the reality of  life when you lose someone. I can only paint a picture of all of the living, breathing, grieving, not believing, and deceiving of the effectiveness of losing a loved one. You can only truly feel what its like until you lose a close loved one. So I hope I have painted an intricate picture for you to view of this kind of life.

Bonds

   Bonds are different for everybody, but nonetheless keep us tied together. It keeps the relationships that we have with people unique, strong and at times, unbreakable. Let me elaborate......
  I'd like to start off with a friend of mine that I consider a sister. She's practically a family member because just about everyone in my family that I'm close to knows who she is. Okay so let's go back to the days when we didn't know a thing about each other. I had her as a classmate in my English 1 Pre-AP class in high school and she's probably going to kill me for saying this, but I thought she was pretty insane in the membrane. Little did I know I was pretty insane in the membrane myself, I think that's why we got along so well, ha ha. We both kind of came from rough backgrounds so that just made things less awkward between us and made it easier for us to understand why we were the way we were. Well we began to hangout before and after school, playing hackie sack with a bunch of other friends in our class. I swear we used to act so dumb and immature. Not paying mind to anyone around us we would laugh in mute about any and everything. Oh the days of being a Freshman in high school, it was just so breezy back then. I think everyone around us would laugh just as hard as us, at us. My oldest sister told me that her and my brother in law used to trip out on us because of how we used to act, she said we always had them laughing. Well I think there was this one party I went to with her that made us bff's. Because after that night was when we became inseparable to the point where we were always at each others houses and if  not, then on the phone. Eventually, this bond made her my partner in crime, getting us into things that we probably shouldn't have gotten away with. So then came the time when we both got in trouble with two other friends for reasons that I'll keep discreet. Well to say the least our actions landed us in an alternative school for our first semester of our Junior year of high school. Which was really bad because we couldn't be apart of any kind of activities at our home school, It was a bad time to get caught up if anything. Well that was just one of the things that made us grow closer than we already were. Because she was the only friend that I could talk to because I saw her at school. Well then came our Senior year in high school when we kind of had a fall out. I blame that on me, because she was on that, "trying to get right" status when I was on that "can't get right" status. She would get onto me for doing careless things because she was one of the few people looking out for me when I wasn't even looking out for myself. Which I don't even think I've ever thanked her for. So this made me become scarce around her because I wasn't trying to hear it at the time. I guess I just wanted to do my own thing at that point. I still hung out with her, but not as often as I once did. So because of things that were going on at home and the lack of encouragement that I had within myself, I ended up staying behind while my classmates all graduated. Moving along, we still talked but our time for communication was short because she was always working and I was always attempting to  receive my diploma. One thing I can say though is that no matter how many times I failed to conquer acquiring my diploma, she was always there to help pick my spirits up and try again. I know we would go months without talking because of how life just became so hectic. But despite that, we would always pick up where we left off with no kind of resentment towards each other. I can say that God has tested both of us and with that said we have always passed because we always end up finding each other. We have both been there for each other through many rough patches of life. I kind of feel like we were made to be each others best friend, because it seems like we complete each others lives. It's like she fills up the different parts of me that I lack and vice versa. I guess its a sort of true love thing and not that we're in love with each other, but the love that we have for each other is genuine. Its just something so rare to be so close to somebody like that and still be in their life after all of these years, growing pains, bumps in the road and everything else life has thrown our way. All of these things have made our friendship bond more of a unique sister like kind of bond. She has always felt like home to me and my family also considers her one of us.
  Another bond I have is the one I have with one of my sisters. We are closer in age so maybe its why we can see eye to eye easier. But even so, it didn't start out that way. So back in the days of childhood I was a mean little kid. I really don't even know the reason behind any of it, but yeah, I was mean. I was always fighting with her, maybe more than I did actually getting along with her. I really couldn't tell you how bad or good it really was because it was so long ago, it seems. But I think when I became a teenager was when things calmed down and our bond began to be an optimistic one. I remember always wanting to be with her all of the time because I felt that she kept sunshine in my life. I was a really dark person as a teenager and I think she kept me grounded and uplifted no matter what was going on in our lives. Because believe me, we went through heaven and hell and hell and heaven with our parents. I don't want to bad mouth my parents because I love them, no one is perfect and everyone goes through  things. Lets just say that we went through a lot. Anyways, as I grew into an older teenager I was always around her because all of the things that we went through made us love each other more. It just made our sibling bond even stronger. We were always doing things with each other and she was always down to hangout with my friends. I guess they all reminded her of me. I know my close friends loved her and would want to be around her just as much as I did. Well she has always been there for me when I needed her the most and I have also been someone she came to as well. You know I think our bond has reached a height that I can't even measure ever since we lost our dad to cancer. Because I swear its like we live in each other's heart's. Almost like we became twins ever since. Everything I feel she feels, everything I want to say, she already knows. I tell her things I wouldn't dare tell anyone else because of how harsh, hurtful or crazy I know it would look in anyone else's eyes. She just understands me the way I feel nobody else does. The kind of bond that we have is so unfathomable because sometimes I cant even explain nor express how much I love her in words, because the love I have for her goes way past that. Again everything we have withstood in life together has made our bond so unbreakable and genuine. I feel so blessed for being given a gift of a sister as her. I always tell her that I don't know what I'd do without her in my life.
  The last bond I'd like to mention started at church when I was about thirteen years old. She was my friends cousin and I don't think she had been to church or had really even known who God was. Well I think I remember being the first one from our youth group to go up to her and introduce myself. As awkward as I was back then I had a kind heart to just be so inviting and make her feel welcomed. Of course I learned this action from always being the new kid everywhere I went because my parents moved around a lot. I don't really remember much of what she said to me at that time. But I know I had seen her later on that day because her little cousin had a birthday party that my family was invited to. Well I think we pretty much just got to know each other that day, because after that we became good friends. Well I would always see her at church on Wednesday's, Sunday's and whenever our youth group did things together. I just remember her kind of standing out to me, because I don't think I had met anyone like her before? She was a bit on the wild side but I wasn't an angel back then either. Growing up in church together we began to learn that we weren't so different. We both had stuff going on at home that we would share with each other. It was a big part of the reason we became so close. I guess we became each others outlet, because when you're a teenager you're so helpless to fix things like that. All you can really do is just have someone be there for you that understands what you're going through and uplifts you when you're in the depths of life's dismay. We had bonded over school, church and home life. As we grew up she began to learn more about God and became His disciple and a member of our church. I guess I got to see her blossom into a woman of God, which was really beautiful to me. To see someone make a complete transformation and surrender the person she was before was something else. With that said she once told me that she wanted to know more about God. But that one of the leaders of our church got onto her about asking so many questions about God. She said she felt that she was being held  back from knowing God more and  worshiping him limitlessly like she wanted to. So she began searching for other churches that better suited her, which lead to not seeing her too often as I used to. Over the years we just became distant, not because we were on bad terms, but for the simple fact that we went to different churches. I would see her once in a blue moon and hear from her every now and then. Which eventually lead to this one incident where she was in a really bad car accident. I remember it being a rainy Wednesday morning when her mother texted me about her being in the hospital. At the time I didn't know the extent of how extreme it ended up being. I remember texting her mom back from school, asking her what hospital she was at so I could go after I got out of class. But I didn't get a response the whole day. So I just figured it wasn't that bad, that maybe she had already went home from the hospital since her mom didn't tell me anything else. Boy was I wrong. I got a text from her mom that night telling me that a car hit her, that she broke her pelvis in two areas and that she was in ICU. At that point I literally dropped everything I was doing and said a prayer for her as a million thoughts ran through my head. I had just lost my  dad a few months before so none of the thoughts I had in my head were  good. I just remember asking her mom for the room number so I could be there the next day. I saw her in the hospital bed and started having flashbacks from seeing my dad in the same position. I kind of just wanted to break right then and there. But I managed to keep it together in front of her, her mother and little sister. She was a little sleepy from the pain meds she was on, but I remember seeing the smile on her face when she saw me. I was glad that she was conscious and out of the ICU. I was there for a while, but I remember leaving so she could get some rest. It was a relief to know that she was ok and still breathing, despite her broken pelvis, bruises and scratches. I was there the next few days she remained in the hospital. they released her way too soon and she was homebound. Her mother kept me updated on her progress, which was my way of keeping an eye on her from a distance since I was still in school at the time. So as you can imagine we again became apart of the cycle of barely speaking on the account of just life becoming hectic. Time passed and already a year from that time I get a random call from her, an apology if you will. Telling me that she was sorry for not keeping in touch with me all that great. She then said that we should hangout and explained that she had a dream with me in it. Which provoked the actions of needing to reunite after so long. So she was giving me her schedule so we could figure out when both of our schedule's lined up. But of course if it wasn't her it was me that let time fly as I got caught up in my own life. And once again we fell into this circle of non-communication. But something in me snapped into place and made me think that this wasn't right. How could I let this friendship of years go to nothing?? I refused to let this bond that was once so strong die. I then contacted her telling her what was in my heart and she also agreed that we needed to do something about this. I'm still in the early stages of  mending this bond to what it once was, but I have nothing but positive thoughts that this will all come together. It just amazes me that even after all of these years of going back and forth with this friendship barely being there, that we are both on the same page and are willing to piece it all back together. I guess this bond isn't so weak if we can still come together on this. A bond such as this one doesn't just disappear, it still remains, even if it maybe in the background of our lives.
  As you can tell, there are all types of bonds you can share with people. It all really just depends on how much time, effort and love you put into it. I know I can say I have learned that, be it through years, loyalty or even friendships that have come and gone.