Monday, December 23, 2013
78777541114
My broken heart is yours to fix, but I don't want it fixed if the broken-ness is what makes you fit. Leave me alone you can't and changing your mind is just something I've always lacked.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Withdrawals
Now I know what one would think with the title I have picked. But I'm not talking about drug withdrawals, its more along the lines of withdrawals one experiences when losing a loved one. So let me take you back to the time when I lost the one man I thought I had back in my life indefinitely.
It all happened back in October of 2011, when my dad spent practically the whole month in the hospital. Which was the time that the withdrawals began. My dad didn't pass away until the 23rd, but already I could feel the effects of what was yet to come. His new abode became his hospital room which made our home just a constant reminder of the reality that was setting in for me and my family. Him not being there farting as he walked past us, making extra thick pancakes for us in the morning or fixing a breakfast feast on the weekends faded away. Slowly but surely we were realizing everything we took for granted were already things we had missed.
We were always at the hospital visiting him as much as we could, because I think we all knew that he was never to return home again. I think the last week he was here was torture for him and for us. To see him go through all of that constant pain and not eating was heart shattering. Sure he had pain meds but I strongly don't think it was enough to match the pain he was in. I shudder to think of how hellish on earth it was for him. He was always forgetting where he was and kept telling us to get him something to eat from Jack in the box. All we could do was just tell him ok as our hearts were breaking piece by piece inside. Its kind of like we had already lost him because of how incoherent he was.
And sure enough, I received a phone call Sunday morning from my dads doctor telling me how sorry he was for my loss. I just remember standing still, not knowing what to do or say. I didn't cry then and there because I couldn't or didn't fathom that I just lost my dad. It was as if all of my common sense had been thrown out of the window. I then went into auto-pilot mode, got on the phone and began calling my sisters, but nobody was picking up because of how early it was. So when I got a hold of them we decided to meet up at my mothers house and go to the hospital from there. When we got to the hospital and saw my father lying there, lifeless, it was so surreal to me. I was so numb because I didn't react to the knife that death had just stabbed me with. I don't really remember much else about that day, it was all such a blur to me.
I had a lot of family and friends around me that week carrying me through, but then it began feeling quite hectic. So as you can imagine there was a lot of talk of who did or didn't do what. I kind of just had to get away from all of the hoopla that was surrounding my life. Needing a crutch to lean on outside of my family, I went to a mentor of mine, who shall remain nameless. But nonetheless had some words of wisdom to share with me, which I'll never forget. I just showed up the day of my dads wake in anguish. She looked at me and asked me if I had even slept that day. I pretty much told her I was running on three hours of sleep. She began to shake her head and suggested I take a nap before I went to my dads wake because I was going to need to be prepared. I was being stubborn and just said that I would be fine. She then told me that it was ok to be weak right now and to not be strong because it would catch up with me later and that it would be way worse then. I had no idea of what she was talking about at the time, but all I was trying to do was keep it together. She knew what she was talking about because she had lost her father as well, but I ignored her advice and did things my way. I really wish that I would have listened to her because she was more than just right.
Trying to fill the void I was having from losing my dad, I found other things to keep my mind off of what was the harsh reality of my life. Which ironically ended up causing even more havoc in my life. At the time it was just a get away from my family because it was like they were haunting me, only reminding me of the absence of my dad.. I know that sounds really messed up but its honestly how I saw things at the time. I pushed away all of my family and friends, almost shunning this world of mine. When really I should have had them around me more, but that didn't stop them from being there for me no matter how hard I pushed.
I remember not staying at home for like a month and a half because it didn't feel like home anymore. It felt lifeless and everything in there just reminded me of my dad. I was trying to forget what I could never forget. All of his plants and his speakers everywhere, pictures that he hung up everywhere, and just random things he would bring home from his job at the moving company he worked at. All of which I couldn't even bare to look at for the longest it seemed.
Well when the holidays came around is when the withdrawals began to kick in even more and I began to see exactly what my mentor was talking about. The holidays just seemed like another day of the week. Losing all of its hype, joy and love that it was once filled with. It was as if the holidays became a bottomless pit of emptiness. I missed my dads personality that he added to my already crazy family, the finger licking food he made and all of the love he showed me, despite the trouble I would give him sometimes. I just wanted him here, to hug, to see, to hear, I just wanted it all back to normal again.
Not realizing how much someone can affect your life is exactly how a drug addict realizes how dependent they are on a drug when going through withdrawals. Because like having my dad in my everyday life is like the drug addict always getting their daily fix.........
It all happened back in October of 2011, when my dad spent practically the whole month in the hospital. Which was the time that the withdrawals began. My dad didn't pass away until the 23rd, but already I could feel the effects of what was yet to come. His new abode became his hospital room which made our home just a constant reminder of the reality that was setting in for me and my family. Him not being there farting as he walked past us, making extra thick pancakes for us in the morning or fixing a breakfast feast on the weekends faded away. Slowly but surely we were realizing everything we took for granted were already things we had missed.
We were always at the hospital visiting him as much as we could, because I think we all knew that he was never to return home again. I think the last week he was here was torture for him and for us. To see him go through all of that constant pain and not eating was heart shattering. Sure he had pain meds but I strongly don't think it was enough to match the pain he was in. I shudder to think of how hellish on earth it was for him. He was always forgetting where he was and kept telling us to get him something to eat from Jack in the box. All we could do was just tell him ok as our hearts were breaking piece by piece inside. Its kind of like we had already lost him because of how incoherent he was.
And sure enough, I received a phone call Sunday morning from my dads doctor telling me how sorry he was for my loss. I just remember standing still, not knowing what to do or say. I didn't cry then and there because I couldn't or didn't fathom that I just lost my dad. It was as if all of my common sense had been thrown out of the window. I then went into auto-pilot mode, got on the phone and began calling my sisters, but nobody was picking up because of how early it was. So when I got a hold of them we decided to meet up at my mothers house and go to the hospital from there. When we got to the hospital and saw my father lying there, lifeless, it was so surreal to me. I was so numb because I didn't react to the knife that death had just stabbed me with. I don't really remember much else about that day, it was all such a blur to me.
I had a lot of family and friends around me that week carrying me through, but then it began feeling quite hectic. So as you can imagine there was a lot of talk of who did or didn't do what. I kind of just had to get away from all of the hoopla that was surrounding my life. Needing a crutch to lean on outside of my family, I went to a mentor of mine, who shall remain nameless. But nonetheless had some words of wisdom to share with me, which I'll never forget. I just showed up the day of my dads wake in anguish. She looked at me and asked me if I had even slept that day. I pretty much told her I was running on three hours of sleep. She began to shake her head and suggested I take a nap before I went to my dads wake because I was going to need to be prepared. I was being stubborn and just said that I would be fine. She then told me that it was ok to be weak right now and to not be strong because it would catch up with me later and that it would be way worse then. I had no idea of what she was talking about at the time, but all I was trying to do was keep it together. She knew what she was talking about because she had lost her father as well, but I ignored her advice and did things my way. I really wish that I would have listened to her because she was more than just right.
Trying to fill the void I was having from losing my dad, I found other things to keep my mind off of what was the harsh reality of my life. Which ironically ended up causing even more havoc in my life. At the time it was just a get away from my family because it was like they were haunting me, only reminding me of the absence of my dad.. I know that sounds really messed up but its honestly how I saw things at the time. I pushed away all of my family and friends, almost shunning this world of mine. When really I should have had them around me more, but that didn't stop them from being there for me no matter how hard I pushed.
I remember not staying at home for like a month and a half because it didn't feel like home anymore. It felt lifeless and everything in there just reminded me of my dad. I was trying to forget what I could never forget. All of his plants and his speakers everywhere, pictures that he hung up everywhere, and just random things he would bring home from his job at the moving company he worked at. All of which I couldn't even bare to look at for the longest it seemed.
Well when the holidays came around is when the withdrawals began to kick in even more and I began to see exactly what my mentor was talking about. The holidays just seemed like another day of the week. Losing all of its hype, joy and love that it was once filled with. It was as if the holidays became a bottomless pit of emptiness. I missed my dads personality that he added to my already crazy family, the finger licking food he made and all of the love he showed me, despite the trouble I would give him sometimes. I just wanted him here, to hug, to see, to hear, I just wanted it all back to normal again.
Not realizing how much someone can affect your life is exactly how a drug addict realizes how dependent they are on a drug when going through withdrawals. Because like having my dad in my everyday life is like the drug addict always getting their daily fix.........
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Acception of Deception
Get inside this mind of mine, I bet you won't make it out alive. With all of these crazy dreams and insane things, life has never been what it seems to be. Put your glasses on so that you may see everything that needs to be seen, because what you've thought you've seen in your rear is actually closer than near. Giving out too much of the benefit of the doubt has left your well in such a drought. Be careful of what you think you see, because like I said before, this life is never what it seems to be. Don't let those lies kill your truth, just let them be the proof of what these people don't tell you. So be like a sponge and just soak it all in, because this certainly is not the end.......
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Best Friends
"She is not the air that I breathe, but the lungs that help me inhale and exhale each moment of life."
This is a little poem I wrote one of my best friends during a very difficult time of my life. I had just lost my dad to cancer and I went through one of the roughest break-ups ever. One that, according to my sister, obliterated me. And to say the least about this harsh and insensitive ex girlfriend of mine, this would be the cherry on top of all of the asshole things she ever did or said to me. "Don't be depressed around me, I just got over feeling like that and I'm not trying to feel like that anymore." At the time I didn't know what to say to that woman, but in retrospect it's like ok, sure buddy. It's only been a couple of months since my dad died, I'll just get over myself because you told me to. Yeah, total asshole thing to say right??
Anyways, at the same time my best friend was also going through a rough break up as well, a two year relationship break up. Well me and my friend had been friends since our high school days. We were good friends back then, but we kind of just became acquaintances after we left high school. We had always stayed in touch through facebook, but as our break ups were happening we began talking on the phone more, texting and hanging out. We were two little sad puppies, but at least we had each other to lean on. We would always send each other screenshots of songs we were listening to that best described how we were feeling or just stuff we could relate to as far as how the break ups were making us feel. As I once told her, we were two lame peas in a pod, because we practically did everything together. Even if it was a Friday night, we would just watch scary movies and bond over that. We were both kind of hiding out in the comfort of our homes because our hearts had a lot of mending to do. Of all of the things we did, I know I can say that there was never a dull moment.
Between my personality and hers, we were always laughing at the most random things or even the crazy/stupid things that would come out of both of our mouths. We were practically inseparable, never going a day without talking to each other. It was a comfortable closeness. I know I told her that we had this best friend radar, because each time we would text each other, the other would always say, "I was just thinking about you" or "I was just about to text you." It was like we were both inside of each others heads.
I just love how our friendship has blossomed into this beautiful rose that it is. That we could bond as much as we have in such times of emotional disaster. I swear this friendship reminds me of this one Ashanti album called "Concrete Rose." Because, out of all of the rough, bleak and crazy times, something so amazingly wonderful became the end result. To have a friendship such as this one, I'll always cherish and hold close to my heart. You know my grandmother always told me, "God will never close a door, without opening a window." And she was right, she was right. My best friend and I became each others crutches, mending each others hearts at the seams. I guess that's why I felt the need to write her this short little poem to express the significance of what her friendship truly meant to me.
This is a little poem I wrote one of my best friends during a very difficult time of my life. I had just lost my dad to cancer and I went through one of the roughest break-ups ever. One that, according to my sister, obliterated me. And to say the least about this harsh and insensitive ex girlfriend of mine, this would be the cherry on top of all of the asshole things she ever did or said to me. "Don't be depressed around me, I just got over feeling like that and I'm not trying to feel like that anymore." At the time I didn't know what to say to that woman, but in retrospect it's like ok, sure buddy. It's only been a couple of months since my dad died, I'll just get over myself because you told me to. Yeah, total asshole thing to say right??
Anyways, at the same time my best friend was also going through a rough break up as well, a two year relationship break up. Well me and my friend had been friends since our high school days. We were good friends back then, but we kind of just became acquaintances after we left high school. We had always stayed in touch through facebook, but as our break ups were happening we began talking on the phone more, texting and hanging out. We were two little sad puppies, but at least we had each other to lean on. We would always send each other screenshots of songs we were listening to that best described how we were feeling or just stuff we could relate to as far as how the break ups were making us feel. As I once told her, we were two lame peas in a pod, because we practically did everything together. Even if it was a Friday night, we would just watch scary movies and bond over that. We were both kind of hiding out in the comfort of our homes because our hearts had a lot of mending to do. Of all of the things we did, I know I can say that there was never a dull moment.
Between my personality and hers, we were always laughing at the most random things or even the crazy/stupid things that would come out of both of our mouths. We were practically inseparable, never going a day without talking to each other. It was a comfortable closeness. I know I told her that we had this best friend radar, because each time we would text each other, the other would always say, "I was just thinking about you" or "I was just about to text you." It was like we were both inside of each others heads.
I just love how our friendship has blossomed into this beautiful rose that it is. That we could bond as much as we have in such times of emotional disaster. I swear this friendship reminds me of this one Ashanti album called "Concrete Rose." Because, out of all of the rough, bleak and crazy times, something so amazingly wonderful became the end result. To have a friendship such as this one, I'll always cherish and hold close to my heart. You know my grandmother always told me, "God will never close a door, without opening a window." And she was right, she was right. My best friend and I became each others crutches, mending each others hearts at the seams. I guess that's why I felt the need to write her this short little poem to express the significance of what her friendship truly meant to me.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Introduction
Well hello there future addicts of my blog!!! Lol. I just basically wanted to introduce myself in this first post if you don't already know me. So I go by Alie, it's just what everybody calls me. I'm all about writing, music, family, friends, coffee, coffee, oh yeah and more coffee. I swear I can't leave that stuff alone, ha ha. Moving along, the drive behind this blog came from my love of writing and the fear of my writing getting rusty. I want to keep it fresh, thriving, mind-blowing, and wanting everybody to come back for more. I'm a writer and I need to expose my writings to each and every single one of you, instead of keeping this all to myself. I also just figured it was a great way to get my name known out there in the writing world. That way one day, when I'm the well known writer I would like to be, you can say, "oh yeah I used to read her crazy ass blogs!!" Well this blog will have no limits, I'll write about anything and everything you guys want to read about. So here you go world wide web, enjoy all of my crazy thoughts and inputs!! Takes a bow and walks off
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