Withdrawals

  Now I know what one would think with the title I have picked. But I'm not talking about drug withdrawals, its more along the lines of withdrawals one experiences when losing a loved one. So let me take you back to the time when I lost the one man I thought I had back in my life indefinitely.
  It all happened back in October of 2011, when my dad spent practically the whole month in the hospital. Which was the time that the withdrawals began. My dad didn't pass away until the 23rd, but already I could feel the effects of what was yet to come. His new abode became his hospital room which made our home just a constant reminder of the reality that was setting in for me and my family. Him not being there farting as he walked past us, making extra thick pancakes for us in the morning or fixing a breakfast feast on the weekends faded away. Slowly but surely we were realizing everything we took for granted were already things we had missed.
  We were always at the hospital visiting him as much as we could, because I think we all knew that he was never to return home again. I think the last week he was here was torture for him and for us. To see him go through all of that constant pain and not eating was heart shattering. Sure he had pain meds but I strongly don't think it was enough to match the pain he was in. I shudder to think of how hellish on earth it was for him. He was always forgetting where he was and kept telling us to get him something to eat from Jack in the box. All we could do was just tell him ok as our hearts were breaking piece by piece inside. Its kind of like we had already lost him because of how incoherent he was.
  And sure enough, I received a phone call Sunday morning from my dads doctor telling me how sorry he was for my loss. I just remember standing still, not knowing what to do or say. I didn't cry then and there because I couldn't or didn't fathom that I just lost my dad. It was as if all of my common sense had been thrown out of the window. I then went into auto-pilot mode, got on the phone and began calling my sisters, but nobody was picking up because of how early it was. So when I got a hold of them we decided to meet up at my mothers house and go to the hospital from there. When we got to the hospital and saw my father lying there, lifeless, it was so surreal to me. I was so numb because I didn't react to the knife that death had just stabbed me with. I don't really remember much else about that day, it was all such a blur to me.
  I had a lot of family and friends around me that week carrying me through, but then it began feeling quite hectic. So as you can imagine there was a lot of talk of who did or didn't do what. I kind of just had to get away from all of the hoopla that was surrounding my life. Needing a crutch to lean on outside of my family, I went to a mentor of mine, who shall remain nameless. But nonetheless had some words of wisdom to share with me, which I'll never forget. I just showed up the day of my dads wake in anguish. She looked at me and asked me if I had even slept that day. I pretty much told her I was running on three hours of sleep. She began to shake her head and suggested I take a nap before I went to my dads wake because I was going to need to be prepared. I was being stubborn and just said that I would  be fine. She then told me that it was ok to be weak right now and to not be strong because it would catch up with me later and that it would be way worse then. I had no idea of what she was talking about at the time, but all I was trying to do was keep it together. She knew what she was talking about because she had lost her father as well, but I ignored her advice and did things my way. I really wish that I would have listened to her because she was more than just right.
  Trying to fill the void I was having from losing my dad, I found other things to keep my mind off of what was the harsh reality of my life. Which ironically ended up causing even more havoc in my life. At the time it was just a get away from my family because it was like they were haunting me, only reminding me of the absence of my dad.. I know that sounds really messed up but its honestly how I saw things at the time. I pushed away all of my family and friends, almost shunning this world of mine. When really I should have had them around me more, but that didn't stop them from being there for me no matter how hard I pushed.
  I remember not staying at home for like a month and a half because it didn't feel like home anymore. It felt lifeless and everything in there just reminded me of my dad. I was trying to forget what I could never forget. All of his plants and his speakers everywhere, pictures that he hung up everywhere, and just random things he would bring home from his job at the moving company he worked at. All of which I couldn't even bare to look at for the longest it seemed.
  Well when the holidays came around is when the withdrawals began to kick in even more and I began to see exactly what my mentor was talking about. The holidays just seemed like another day of the week. Losing all of its hype, joy and love that it was once filled with. It was as if the holidays became a bottomless pit of emptiness. I missed my dads personality that he added to my already crazy family, the finger licking food he made and all of the love he showed me, despite the trouble I would give him sometimes. I just wanted him here, to hug, to see, to hear, I just wanted it all back to normal again.
  Not realizing how much someone can affect your life is exactly how a drug addict realizes how dependent they are on a drug when going through withdrawals. Because like having my dad in my everyday life is like the drug addict always getting their daily fix.........